Ask My Stars

Your eyes stare back at me.

There is an entity of evil, posessing a transmitted image, inside a visual replicate.

Turn off the screen.

A glass window showing copied, fake, moving, talking pictures...

You are not alive.

You are just seen on  a screen...bits of mirrors, lights, and glass...

Subliminal messages are planted in eager dead brains....

Turn off the screen.

Think.

Cease the vegetation.

Write, something.

 

What is love?


I'm almost certain I know, but at times I doubt because this just has to be more.

Love is not an effective enough word.

You are everything and I adore your every molecule.

I doubt that at this point I could exist without you.

I don't think I could breathe. I would not want to pull air from a world without out you into my lungs and if your heart stopped beating, I feel 

with certainty mine would too.

We are perfect, and we so fit.

I want to be your last, and  always.

Your every word, breath, move and touch mean everything to me.
 

 

 

Children searching for a flaw
Finding holes in scientific law
A body falls into silence
Pretty murder, tasteful violence

Heaven is a weak mind's comfort
and darling, your heart is black

Death has left an imprint at the scene
though many years from now it isn't seen.

A tree is fertilized by the decay of her body

The tree still grows years after the murderer has ceased

And darling, my heart is cold

It's an unconcsious affection

I'm unaware of your infection

Roots

Is it dark enough?

Don't you need this?

More is not enough, this is just not right, less will be too much.

               And they pluck your life away, like feathers from a winged
carcas

I see rot.

She shot down the stars with rubber bands.
She tried to cath them in her hands.
The stars- they fell too fast
In wanting to make it last,
She froze into a sculpture of herself.

She wanted something beautiful,
but she see's now that nothing's beautiful.
Art is still beautiful,
and everything is art.

She gathered the stars up off the street and put them in a blender.

She was visible in white light completely broken.

She mixed the stars with fruit and tea to make a drink.

She swallowed it down, she swallowed it down

Swallow.

Swallow.

You stupid whore, just fucking swallow.

She wanted to be beautiful.

Sometimes it hurts to much to think.

She threw it all back up into a dirty kitchen sink.
 

 

Is one's company a reflection of self?

Do we choose friends we see to be like our selves, based on personal qualities of which we are proud?

Do we choose friends based on quality we find desirable and we wish we had ourselves?

In the same respect do those we hate the most often bear aspects we dislike or fear to be true about ourselves?

Humans are narcissists.

We are so arrogant.

Some say the Mona Lisa was a femine version of the artist himself.

We all want to be seen. You are no different, my leonardo.

We are so attracted to ourselves.
 

 

What would you tell me you see?
           - if you were forced to be honest with me?

Particles of consequence pronounce themselves, pointing their fingers at me.

Why must I acknowledge guilt for that which I am not the cause?

I never was what you hoped for. I'm am not only disposable, I am parasite and desirable for termination.

Your defect daughter.

Your punishment and blame.

Look away.

The sun is blinding yet the air is cold and harsh.

A light switch is flicked on in the basement,

Revealing cracked walls and spiders that had gone unnoticed.

Turn off the light.

I wish to remain ignorant.

Allow me my bliss.

Leave me in the dark.

Don't say a word.

Reason drips from my eyes. It is a slow but steady drip like that of an IV into a sick arm. I've been hearing your whispers more and more frequently, whispers of apprehension, whispers of pity or concern, whispers of superiority. Name your complex. You think you understand, but you are miles off charts. Assumptions are made, conclusions are drawn. The world would be turned upside down if you were burdened with knowing the things which I do. But that's okay. I am enlightened despite your labels.

I haven't posted anything in forever. I'm okay. I'm not perfect, and god knows I'm not sane but for the first time in a long time I'm okay. I haven't been in the hospital for months. I'm not on any medication. I quit my meds at the beginning of May and it was the best decision I've ever made. I always thought the meds made me worse anyway. I finally got out of a bad relationship. It was nearly a year long and horrible. I was pushed into it and I couldn't get out. Max had been my best friend for two years. I'm with him now and I don't think I've ever been so in love. There is no one else I could ever be so in sync with. The not so good side is Max was also Angus' (Ex) best friend. Max had a girlfriend...he and I were cheating before either of use broke up. I don't regret anything. I'm happy.

And life goes on... :)
>

My thoughts are jumbled back and forth
Time has no meaning
I am taking, we are needing
I don't know whats real anymore 
I though that I was standing; now I'm melting flowing throug the floor
I need someone to stop the channels changing, images pop and dissolve
Everything drips
Things real and not come and move, stay and go
Noises spin inside my head
And people talk and people stare
Sometimes I don't know If I'm here or there

 Some times I'm a mess
 
Sometimes I'm a Freak

It's been a busy week. It's like I had one thing right after another, after another, after another. In the past three days I've had two school meetings, two doctor appointments etc .etc. Yesterday I had a Doctors appointment  because they routinely check my pee and blood, because of my meds, everything was ok. After that I got lunch at olive garden with my grandmother. .

 The day before I saw my psychiatrist early then had a school meeting and then my mother and me met my friend  and her mother at the painted lady for afternoon tea which was fun it was actually pretty nice. 

Good news is today was my last day of homebound it's friday ( eeek! yay me I know the day of the week) and when school starts back on tuesday I'll be enrolled in that day treatment program which should be helpful. I'm nervous but anxious to start it.



 

Okay so I might come off as a total p***y  right now but I'm so freaked. I'm on the edge of having a panic attack, I just took some xanax two seconds ago (I have have prescription for  xanax 3x a day plus PRN which basically means take as needed).  I was driving in the car with my mother we had had an okay night. The road my house is on is very curvy and extremely dark. Out of nowhere like four deer ran in front of the car.  I have sensory integration dysfunction so I'm really super sound sensitive. The noise was awful that was the worst part of it. we killed two of them. When we got home the whole front of the car was trashed (It's a really nice expen$ive car) it was bent and broken and covered in blood.  Anyway for some reason I'm really triggered now. EEK, I'm so freaked, It was so unexpected and sudden. Ugh sorry I just had to tell someone...anyone. God I'm lame.

 
--- feeling kind of tilt-a-whirly----
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        Rant starts...Now. I'm just...confused. I need help, but how can I ask for it, everyone has tried everything already. "We're doing all we can." I see a psychiatrist once a week, I see a counselor once a week, I take meds, the school makes "accommodations" for the little time I'm there, I'm dropping one of my homebound classes.
        I can not handle life. Living is work for me. Every single moment is hard. I feel illegitimate, worthless, pathetic and miserable.
        Someone once described to me lines from a movie. I'm not sure the title but the character described feeling as if they were falling into a black hole. Eventually you keep falling down and down so low and so dark and eventually you become the hole. I have no idea what's real anymore.
          I'm so confused...I try and obsess just to hold on, reaching out grasping for a shred of understanding  but there's nothing.
         And despite how much some may want to, despite how some would be terrified to, no one understands, in this there is utter loneliness. At the same time as much as I love a few people at times there isn't anyone I can or want to be around. Loneliness may be my only  comfort. 
        I'm numb. Maybe, I'm dead.
        People focus on little things but not the big picture. There are parts of me..surprising I know but that I don't want to change. People judge me because I'm different. I'm not possessed, I'm not retarded...People are afraid. 
I don't care if I'm never "right" I just don't want to be miserable. 
       Label me what you will, but attempt not to show me my guilt. I don't want this. I didn't start this. I can't help that I am this. It's funny how your "help" is just making me worse. This isn't me. I wasn't always like this.
Rant ends...Now.

Every window on Alcatraz has a view of San Francisco.

    Today was -whatever- . I went home from school early. I normally get out at 12:15. Today I left at about 11:30. So I did manage to stay for most of my day.  There's this one IEP teacher...she's  really  -really- nice. I feel bad that it's my fault she ends up spending so much time outside of the actual classroom and consoling me in the nurses office. At the same time I feel so grateful.  I had no doctors appointments today, I didn't go anywhere except school, I did nothing. It's -whatever-.  My favorite show Nip/Tuck comes on tonight. It's a re-run but I can't stay up late enough to watch it on tuesday, I get too tired if I stay up 'til eleven and then have to get up at 5:40. I hate being tired. I'm used to my insomnia. The pills do that to you though. I hate being knocked out. Wednesday was a school day this week.  I love that show.  I'm hungry...I should eat. 
 Toodles,
          Rae
 

 I haven't posted in a long time. I've actually been keeping a "real" journal the past few weeks. Though, that journal would make nothing but utter nonsence to anyone but myself. I draw alot in it too.

 

Thats obvious. I guess everyone wants to feel beautiful. know I'm not, but I'm also not thin anymore and being thin made other things okay like I could be secure being not so beautiful as long as I wasn't fat. It was an equalizer. I'm gaining weight because of my meds. I'm starting to tongue them so I won't. I guess if I have to choose from being fat and being crazy I'll be crazy. I'll be okay maybe. Lets wait and watch. 

and she burns away her memories and she rids herself of 
nothing
 and she see's the empty in her recollections
 and she rips out the pages leaving only 
blank 
and she knows she will forget the reminescence 

Because they never really mattered. 
The were like the last two pages of a novel, seemingly important, seemingly final but just an owed meaningless filler an empty assumption confirmed and concluded.
 and she regrets
 nothing
 And she doesn't believe in apologies
 she will never say the word "Sorry"
 So forget, nothing ever mattered.